I never thought I would smile again. When I say that I mean I never thought I would genuinely smile again. I never thought I could be happy again. I thought I would always feel like I was dying inside; like I couldn’t breathe. There are times I still do. It all rushes over me at once and I cannot help but go back to that morning in the hospital. The day my daughter died.
It’s always there, the wondering what she would be doing, what she would look like. I constantly am thinking about her, my Sophia. It’s complex. I think about my daughter and I smile but I also cry. I smile because she is my daughter. I am so glad she’s mine. She is a wonderful person; I know this because I’ve known her from the beginning of her life. She made me a mother, how could I not be eternally grateful for that? I will suffer this pain because it means that I am your mother.
I cry because she died. I cry because she left this Earth way too soon. I never got to see her eyes or see her move outside my womb. I never heard her cry or laugh. I miss out on her achievements every single day. I cry because my son should have his older sister here to play with. I miss her terribly.
I look at my son and I have such a deep love for him and everything he does. I am so thankful he is my son, eternally grateful that I am his mom. He brought joy back into my life; something I never thought I would have again. He has me smiling so much every single day my muscles hurt! I cry tears of joy looking at him, holding him and kissing him.
At the end of the day, I simply thank God that He chose me to be my children’s mother.