Terrified : Hopeful 

Yesterday morning I woke up and did my usual routine: go downstairs, use the restroom, check my blood sugar, drink a half bottle of cold water and then go lay back down in bed to do kick counts with Oliver. I laid back down on my left side and waited… and waited… I woke Charles up and he went and got me some more cold water. I drank that; still no movement. Charles made me a piece of peanut butter toast and at this point I was starting to panic. We decided to just head to the hospital. I ate the toast as we scrambled to get dressed and run out the door. 

That car ride was terrifying. I prayed and worried the whole way. I never experienced that sheer panic of not feeling my child move because with Sophia it all happened so quickly I didn’t have the time to realize… I tried to stay calm, telling my little Oliver to give me a kick, anything! He finally did two little elbows on the way there. They were tiny and not normal for Oliver.

We got to labor and delivery and they got us roomed immediately. We decided to go to Austin because it was close instead of going to our usual Rochester. Having the nurse pull out those monitors gave me horrible flashbacks to the day, just under a year ago, that the nurse couldn’t find Sophia’s heartbeat upon arrival for our scheduled induction. The nurse placed the monitor on my tummy looking for Oliver’s heart beat. There was silence; I held my breath. 

Please, be alive. 

She moved the monitor around and suddenly, like the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, his heart beat blared across the monitor. I cried and cried. He’s alive. We stayed and were monitored with what is called a non-stress test. They monitored for I don’t even know how long because my eyes were just glued to his heart rate. He had a reactive test and we were sent home to rest where he moved around like nothing happened. I love you so much, Oliver.

It is so hard to be so scared but to be so hopeful at the same time. I am terrified we will leave the hospital with an empty car seat for the second time and yet I have hope we will bring Oliver home to raise him this time. 

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