I woke up with a notification from Facebook: “On this day…” It’s kind of fun to look back and see things that you had maybe forgotten about or things that have a lot of meaning to you. Then there’s things you see that knock the wind out of you. That was my case today with my “On this day one year ago…”
I woke up to a picture of a rocking chair. A rocking chair that my dad bought my mother when she was pregnant with me. I was rocked in that chair countless times… as were my younger siblings. A year ago today my mom wanted Charles and me to come over as she had something she wanted to give us. It was the rocking chair. I was so excited and beyond happy at the thought of rocking my first born in this chair, just as my mother rocked me. I remember thinking if we kept it in good shape I would pass it on to her when she had her first child. We got it into our house and I draped the blanket my mom bought Sophia over it. I sat down and I rocked with her in my womb. I was simply happy.
Here I am, a year later, and I only ever got to rock with her while she was in my womb… I only ever rocked in that chair and cried, holding onto her clothes and blankets, I only ever rocked in that chair pumping breast milk in disbelief that Sophia had actually died. That this was actually my life. Here I am, a year later, and life is completely changed for us. My life is complex. I’m no longer simply happy. That may be hard to understand if you’re not a bereaved parent.
I saw this memory and I broke down. I’m terrified. I’m heartbroken. I miss Sophia more than anything! This memory is one that was once filled with so much joy and anticipation and now is filled with sorrow and longing…