Through the Night

I wake up every morning between 5-7AM to do what a lot of pregnant women have to do: go to the bathroom. But before I get out of bed I stay very still. I wait for Oliver to move. Sometimes he is already moving and some days I have to wait a little bit. Those days I have to wait I hold my breath until I feel his little kicks. I can only then breathe a sigh of relief for the moment. He made it through the night.

The nights are scariest for me. Losing Sophia in the night 1-5 hours before her induction has me terrified to my core. I know that at any moment, something horrible can happen to my child… and I have no control over it. That’s absolutely terrifying! I crawl into bed and close my eyes and the flashbacks keep me awake for hours. It takes a long time for me to be able to fall asleep. Even then, I wake up constantly, tossing and turning.

Pregnancy after loss is no walk in the park. The innocence and joy I once possessed walking into our appointments with Sophia is now gone, forever. I now walk into appointments feeling anxious and a lot of times sick to my stomach until I see his heart beating on the monitor. I can breathe for the moment but as soon as we leave that appointment the process starts all over again until our next visit. Pregnancy after loss is an emotional journey that has many different angles to it. I completely underestimated the feelings and emotions that come with pregnancy after loss.

I do feel all of these fears but I also feel excitement. I am beyond happy to be pregnant with our son. I love every kick he gives me. He has such a personality already (just like his sister did at this time). Pregnancy is when I have felt most beautiful in my entire life. I love being pregnant and I love the feeling of life growing inside of my womb. How amazing is that? To grow a human inside of you? It’s truly a miracle and one to be appreciated; and I do appreciate every second of it.

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