Nine Months

I woke up this morning to our rainbow moving around in my womb; I smiled. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks on my chest; I couldn’t breathe. We should have a nine month old. Nine. I can only imagine what you look like now… I bet your hair would be growing longer, I bet your curly hair grows like your dad’s. It grows a lot but it’s so curly it doesn’t look long (until it gets wet!) Little strawberry blonde curls… You should be learning and accomplishing so much. I can only imagine.

Sophia… we should be doing so much together.

I close my eyes and flashes to the hospital, funeral home and cemetery play over and over. It’s hard to sleep when your mind won’t let you. I am constantly aware that my daughter isn’t here. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing or where. I cry a lot… in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, while watching a show and my mind wonders, the way the water hits you in the shower… the tears come. 

Sophia, you made me a mother. You’re constantly on my mind and in my heart and I know you’re watching over us. You’re so beautiful, little lady. You are kind, smart and loving. I know all of these things because I am your mother; your personality shined through immediately and still does in all of the signs you send to us. We love you so much, Sophia! Today you’re nine Heavenly months, little lady. 

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