Three Months

Three months ago today Charles and I arrived at the hospital early for our induction. We were so excited to hold and kiss our daughter, finally! Three months ago we were told those six words: “I’m sorry, there’s no heart beat.” Our lives have changed (again) forever. 

When you find out you’re expecting a baby you envision so much for the future. Sporting events, choir, band, vacations, family events like Christmas and Easter. When you leave the hospital without your child you have no vision of the future. Everything is clouded over. All of your dreams are shattered. Where do we go from here? 

We, as grieving parents, have so many triggers: dates, words, scenes in movies and TV shows, songs… everything that may seem “normal” to everyone else can be a stabbing reminder to a bereaved parent. But we try our best to put one foot in front of the other and to live life without our child(ren). 

Do you know how hard that is? Imagine one of your children being gone: forever. How could you live another day? We ask ourselves the same question a lot. It’s hour by hour and sometimes even minute by minute. The emotions that go through us in one day is best described as a roller coaster. We are smiling but we are sobbing, we are walking but we don’t want to get out of bed. It all just takes one word, song, TV scene, date to pull us further back into that hole… 

Please be patient with us and please ask us how we are doing; and ask for an honest answer. We may give you one, we may not; but at least you asked. We will tell you if we want space. Only we can answer that question and it is different for everyone. Grief is not a one size fits all; it comes in many forms and is unique to each person that has to wear it on their hearts. 

The end of every month and beginning of every month are the hardest for me. Those dates, the 29th, 30th, 5th and 6th come around and I feel myself sinking down even further again. For someone else who lost a child, they probably have different dates that trigger. We are all grieving, we are all different and that’s okay.

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