Shaken Faith

When Charles and I were trying to conceive and we kept going month after month of negative test results I was really down. I was sad every time that test didn’t turn positive. We got to the point to where we were going to seek a fertility specialist (around the fourteenth month mark.) We didn’t know how to feel. I remember thinking “God knows what He is doing. We will have a baby, we just have to wait.” The next month on November 12, 2015 I was very sick. My mom told me to take a pregnancy test. I was hesitant because I was sick of seeing that negative test… but I took one and my goodness, it was as blue as could be! Charles and I were beyond ecstatic! 

I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum early on in our pregnancy. I was constantly throwing up and feeling nauseous. This went on into our late second trimester. I got through it and I was happy to do it for my little girl. My only concern was is she okay? And she was; she was so healthy, happy and strong. I remember thinking “I never would have been able to finish nursing school with this constant throwing up. God really knows what He is doing!”

Now here we are… Sophia’s crib is empty, her cloth diapers all neatly put away, her clothes remain folded in her dresser. We were so close to her being here… to using everything prepared for her. I sit here, cry and I think “How in the world is this God’s plan?” I have been shaken. I know Sophia is in Heaven. I know that when she opened her eyes for the first time it was Jesus’ face she saw. It is just so hard to be so solid in thinking “God knows what He is doing” when my baby girl was taken from us merely hours before our scheduled induction.

I just don’t understand… Why Sophia? Why us? There are people who torture, rape and kill children and they get to bring them home only to end up doing that to them… Why do they get to bring their baby home? I know I never will understand… I miss my Sophia every second of every day. There isn’t one day I haven’t cried yet… 

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