Me, the Planner

I have always been a planner. So when I was pregnant with Sophia there was a lot of planning and imagining. I would imagine her in overalls and boots with her curly hair in pigtails. (I knew she would have curly hair like her dad, and she does.) I pictured her helping her daddy do chores on the farm and running and playing with the animals. I wondered what she would want to be when she grew up… maybe a nurse like her mother and grandmother? That would be cool if she chose that. I wonder who her husband will be… I’m going to be so emotional on her wedding day. She’ll eventually (hopefully!) make me a grandma…

All of these dreams for my daughter shattered with one sentence: “I’m sorry, there is no heart beat.” Every time I think about the doctor telling me that… the beginning of my nightmare… the pain comes and smacks me like a ton of bricks.Pain is physical. I literally feel like I’m being crushed and I can’t breathe. I’ll be doing the dishes and BAM! It hits me… Emptiness, lonliness, sadness, anger, overwhelming love… Sophia is constantly on my mind and I always have these underlying feelings but when they crash, they hurt even worse… I miss my daughter; I miss her future. 

I will live my life wondering who she would have been. I’m positive she is nothing short of amazing. She has changed my life forever. I have huge plans for her, still. Sophia will be known and loved by all; my little angel.

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