Insomnia

Here I am, again, awoken in the middle of the night. No longer by your kicks or the urge to pee and not by what should be your cries. I can’t sleep. I open my eyes only to see your baby blankets folded so nicely in a basket, the boppy pillow leaning against the crib and your stuffed animals looking across the room from your dresser at me. Tears run down my face…

The complexity of how I feel is hard to describe. I have two overwhelming sides: love and pride and sadness and anger. These feelings are holding hands inside of me. I am so in love with my daughter, I have been right from the start. Sophia is my whole world. I look at her and I am so proud to be her mother; she is beyond perfect. At the same exact time I am so sad she is not here. She should be here… It shouldn’t be any other way. I am so angry. Not with any one in particular. But why Sophia? Why us? No one should have to bury their child. Sophia is perfect, she never did anything to anyone. These emotions run high every second of the day. I constantly am thinking about my daughter. It’s so hard to go from having her kick and move inside of me 24/7 to not having her at all. She is gone from my womb… gone from my arms… forever in my heart.

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